I hate the feeling of loss that comes with this illness. We look healthy, but we lose our health, our friends, our jobs, our hope, our passions, and our ambitions. We get stuck in limbo while still being alive. We have to relearn everything because everything has changed drastically. It’s hard to keep up with it.
and everything went right. He told me he didn’t invite me this his birthday party because he knew it wasn’t my kind of party (more than 30 persons and alcohol). He was right, altought I told him that I asked myself if it was because he didn’t want me there. He told me “I should have still invited you and let you make your decision yourself instead of guessing you wouldn’t come”. Everything is forgiven and we agreed to call each other more.
He told me “I’m at work right now so I can’t answer right now, but I’m going to call you tonight. I can reassure you though, I don’t think you are crazy, and I’m happy you were able to explain me your perception of thinkgs that clearly. I will do the same later!” :) (This was his smiley).
I just hope I won’t cry like a baby, hahaha. I just told him I might be even more emotional than ever and that I would be waiting for his call.
I will be nervous, but since he responded well, I don’t think he will tell me horrible things.
I just wrote a super long message to one of my friend and I'm nervous about the outcome.
Explaining him that I care about him a lot and that maybe he hasn’t realized it because of my weird BPD behavior.
By exemple… I told my mother a few times that I didn’t know why so much friends abandoned me, so she told me that it was maybe because I’m always negative. (But my life is hell, with mental illness and not physical chronic illnesses, so I can’t just invent myself an imaginary life to share with people). Anyway, because of that, I was even more terrified to lose friend.
So for a while I haven’t got a lot of contact with my friend Gabriel (that I adore), because of I don’t really remember. Then I was in a really bad phase so I didn’t try to contact him… why? Because I was afraid he would stop talking to me because I was negative. So I told myself “I’ll talk to him when I feel better”, which takes a lot of time for me. So I kinda sacrificed our friendship to preseve it.
The thing is… he can’t guess that I was doing this. He must have thought that I didn’t care that much.
And I’m always afraid I’ll seem too much attached. I’m really affectionate and I’m afraid to look ridiculous. I’m afraid to show I care because I’m afraid the person will think “arw she seems to love me a lot, I don’t love her that much”. I’m afraid of what they’ll think of my feelings.
I told him that because last weekend was his birthday and he didn’t invite me and I cried like a baby. I mean, there are pretty good chances he didn’t invite me because he know I’m sick and because I can’t see a girl named Laura (because she broke my heart) that is part of his gang. It would be good reasons, but I’m afraid it is because he doesn’t care enough. Anyway.
I’m really nervous about that. I hope he won’t think I’m crazy. I guess if he thinks I am, he’s not such a good friend.
(I realize everything I just wrote yesterday when I talked to a girl friend. I had never realized people could think I didn’t care because I don’t react like normal people.)
Also… there was this time when I had a huge crush on him, years ago, and I thought it was reciprocal. My flirting was REALLY obvious. Than one of her friend talked to me and told me they were fuckfriend and that she didn’t want to stand in our way, but I just decided I didn’t want to stant in THEIR way. Anyway, we stayed friends, but I always asked myself “if there could have been chances that he liked me” (I think it is possible), or if he thought I was ridiculous. It’s like I feel ashamed of these feelings. And I’m afraid that if I show him some affection, he’ll think I still have these feelings. (I have a boyfriend and I really love him, but to be honest, if my boyfriend didn’t exist, there are chances I would try to be with him again). I don’t feel attracted toward Gabriel right now because I love my boyfriend, but I’m not blind, he’s still the kind of guy I could like. So anyway, I’m afraid he will think I still have a crush on him. I guess it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but… Erw. I’m so afraid of being judged. I’m afraid he will think “how could she ever think that I would be interested in someone like her?”.
And also, I always try to convince myself that I’m a bad person. I always ask questions to myself, this kind of question “what if?…”, like “what if I met a intellectual super hot guy who had the same qualities as my boyfriend… would I be attracted to him and prove that I’m a bad girlfriend?”. The thing is, I can’t stop asking these questions to myself. So I can ask myself “what if I start being attracted again towards Gabriel?” And I feel guilty, and the more guilty I feel, the more questions I ask myself, and the more convinced I am that I will be a bad girlfriend. So I guess I am afraid of myself too, and not even afraid I’m gonna have feelings for Gabriel, but more afraid of my own mind who won’t stop asking questions.
So now you know how fucked up I am, and why he may think I don’t care about him while I actually think he’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever meet.
It may seem petty to some, but I think one of the most frustrating things I have encountered since being diagnosed is how being sick affects having a normal romantic relationship. To those of my followers who have significant others who are there for them and are supportive and understanding, you don’t know how lucky you are. Well, maybe you do, and if you do, don’t ever take it for granted.
Being single when you’re sick is sometimes a blessing. I have so many people worrying about me that having one less person hovering can be a good thing sometimes. On the flip side though, when you’re not at your best, You can never have too many people looking out for you. As long as they’re the right kind of people though. It’s hard enough to find a decent guy who respects you and shares your interests, but can you imagine how much harder it world be to find that person when your half of your normal self?
The bottom line is that when you are sick, and you know you’re facing a lifetime of trial and turbulence. It’s going to be a rough road for not only you, but for anyone who chooses to stand by your side through it all. If you’re lucky, you already had someone by your side when you got sick. And maybe it wasn’t easy for them in the beginning but they’ll adjust with you and you’ll learn to fight it together. But what happens if you’re single when you get sick? From that point forward, anyone you date has to make the decision to be with you throughout that. It’s easier to go through this with someone you already love. Not everyone will choose to love you despite everything they will have to face.
Ultimately, when you’re sick and looking for love, your list of qualities you look for in another person change drastically. It’s no longer important to you if they like to travel or like going to the same concerts as you. What is important to you is will they love your dog enough to come take him for a walk when you hurt too much to do it yourself. You want someone who will come sit on the couch with you and let you fall asleep with your head in their lap while they run their fingers through your hair even though it’s falling out. You want someone who will take the day off work to go to your doctors appointments with you. Someone who is strong enough to carry you when you are too weak. Someone who is soft enough to admit to you when they are scared too.
I said earlier that people who already had someone when they got sick are lucky. But I think the ones who find someone who chooses to be with them even though they are already sick are even luckier.
So true. It’s hard to even consider dating when I’m looking for qualities and interests that are not on the mind of most of my peers— male or female.
I felt like that when I started being sick. I was in pain 24/7 and couldn’t leave the house, and I wouldn’t have be able to have sex due to pelvic pain. I thought I would be alone forever because I wouldn’t be able to meet anyone new.
I started treatments and I felt better. I started going out of the house againd and met someone. It was unexpected. I was a miracle. He was an angel sent from above.
I haven’t been feeling good lately. My bladder is stable (even though it’s not a walk in the park), but my other conditions have gotten worse. I’m lucky I met this man in a great time and I hope he’ll always be my side.
I wish to all sick people that you’ll find the good person for you, the person who will be there for you, take care of you, and love you even if it’s complicated to have such a relationship.